The Inofficial Rulebook of Hogwarts
by Flame Within Ice
Summary: All the rules that weren't put in the rulebook at Hogwarts, such as... 11: You may not propose to Lord Voldemort with the One Ring.
1. PART ONE

**Voila! All nice and spell-checked! Except for "inofficial". It's supposed to be that way.**

Hogwarts Inofficial Rulebook

1: You are not allowed to slip a gold ring on your finger while simultaneously going through the barrier at platform 9 and 3/4 and vanishing from sight.

2: Toads are a bad idea to have on a train.

3: You are not allowed to bring a dementor costume for Halloween.

4: Under no circumstances are you allowed to refer to Voldemort as "Baldy".

5: Even if he is.

5: You are not allowed to replace Voldemort's pet Nagini with a common garter snake.

6: It is a bad idea to challenge a Basilisk to a staring contest. You will lose.

7: You may not slap a saddle on a Hungarian Horntail's back, jump on, and yell "Giddyup, horsey!".

8: Living Shrouds are not cloaks.

9: You may not jump on the back of one of the carriage-pulling thestrals while there are people in the carriage and make the thestral fly.

10: Calling a centaur "Foaly" is probably not a good idea.

11: You are not allowed to propose to Lord Voldemort with the One Ring.

12: You are not to threaten Snape with shampoo.

13: You are not allowed to hang Mrs. Norris from the wall by her ankles with Filch's old torture instruments.

14: Do not confuse Aragorn, Eragon, and Aragog. Ever.

15: Pretending to cut off Nearly Headless Nick's head with the Sword of Gryffindor will not amuse him.

16: Do not ask Professor Lupin why his wolf form has barely any fur.

17: Do not give Professor Lupin a collar as a Christmas or birthday present.

18: Do not walk Gilderoy Lockhart up to a Basilisk and tell him: "Look it straight in the eyes and say 'Cheese'!"

19: Do not approach Professor Lupin with a leash.

20: Do not bring a Twilight vampire to visit Professor Lupin.

21: Do not sprinkle glitter on Draco Malfoy, dye his hair, and call him Edward.

22: Offering Nearly Headless Nick a platter of gourmet food will not amuse him.

23: Do not replace Professor McGonagall's plate of food at breakfast with a can of Fancy Feast.

24: Do not sell Mrs. O'Leary to Hagrid.

25: Do not give Grawp a pet guppy.


	2. PART TWO

**Voila! All nice and spell-checked! Except for "inofficial". It's supposed to be that way.**

The Inofficial Rulebook of Hogwarts: Part Two

26: Saying "I think I 'taw a puddytat!" every time you see Professor McGonagall is most certainly NOT a good idea.

27: You may not offer Albus Dumbledore one of Fred and George's Canary Clusters and tell him that it is a new kind of Lemon Drop.

28: Setting off fireworks in Professor Umbridge's office so that all the plates of sickeningly cute cats come crashing down is ALSO not a good idea.

29: You may not bring an albino rabbit to school and threaten people with "Don't make me sic the Killer Rabbit on you!"

30: Follow-up to number 25, 30!: In fact, giving any pet to Grawp is not a good idea.

31: You may not tell all the first-years that the Grecian Underworld is below the school and that if they want proof, they can go see Cerberus, who lives on the third floor corridor.

32: You may not place yourself on a stairwell and block all the students, saying, "To cross the Bridge of Death, you must first answer me these questions three!" and then proceed to flip students off the stairwell if they answer a question wrong, such as "What...is your favorite color?"

33: You may not sell Saphira to Hagrid or Ron's brother Charlie.

34: You are not allowed to give Peeves a suit of armor for Christmas.

35: Nor are you allowed to give him gum.

36: Telling the Merpeople (in Mermish) that they look ugly is not a good idea.

37: You are not allowed to march around seventh-years with a jar of dirt, saying, "I got a jar o' diirrtt, I got a jar o' diirrtt..."

38: Calling Grawp Bigfoot generally isn't a good idea.

39: Calling any giant Bigfoot REALLY isn't a good idea.

40: Charging the Whomping Willow with the Sword of Gryffindor is not allowed.

41: Replacing Voldemort's wand with a trick wand from Fred and George's shop will not amuse him.

42: Offering Voldemort a colonial-era powdered wig (complete with ponytail) will not amuse him.

43: You may not train a flock of chickens to attack on command and tell anyone who'll listen that they are Tae-Kwan-Do-Does (Do-Dos? Anyway, a bunch of Do-Do birds together)

44: Repainting the school bright pink will amuse no one except Professor Umbridge.

45: Asking a centaur for a pony ride is only going to get you an arrow in your head.

46: You may not tell the first years that a hippogriff is part hippopotamus. It isn't true.

47: Giving Voldemort one of Willy Wonka's Hair Toffees for Christmas is not going to amuse him.

48: Giving Hermione a hair straightener for Christmas might amuse her, but it'll amuse you more.

49: Asking Draco Malfoy whether or not his mother is in love with herself is not going to amuse him, his father, OR his mother. (That's what narcissism means-to be in love with yourself)

50: You're not allowed to invent Love Potion Number 9 and 1/2 during Potions.


	3. PART THREE

**Voila! All nice and spell-checked! Except for "inofficial". It's supposed to be that way.**

**The Inofficial Rulebook of Hogwarts Part Three**

51: I must not tell lies.

52: I must not feed Mrs. Norris poison.

53: I must feed Mrs. Norris Love Potion Number 9 and 1/2 (which I DID invent during Potions)

54: I must not tell first years that Voldemort roams the school at night and checks to make sure everyone is asleep and that if he finds anyone awake or out of bed, he kills them.

55: I must not introduce Voldemort to a psychiatrist.

56: I must not turn the thestrals into My Little Ponies.

57: I must not paint Hogwarts bright pink.

58: I must not give Professor Lupin a Chihuahua for Christmas.

59: I must not introduce the entire Cullen family to Professor Lupin all at once.

60: I must not spill Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder during a Quidditch World Cup.


	4. PART FOUR

**Voila! All nice and spell-checked! Except for "inofficial". It's supposed to be that way.**

**The Inofficial Rulebook of Hogwarts Part Four**

61. Screaming "THE GOLDEN SNITCH!" at the top of your lungs in the middle of the night WILL get you hate mail from your roommates.

62. Replacing Hedwig with a stuffed owl will not amuse Harry. Mainly because Hedwig's dead.

63. You are not allowed to play matchmaker for Voldemort on Valentine's Day.

64. You may not dress up as Death for Halloween and go around scaring Voldemort out of his wits.

65. You may not bring all the major villains of every book in the world to meet Voldemort. They might actually succeed this time. And personally, all of Middle-Earth will hate your guts if you give Sauron his ring back.

66. You are not allowed to play matchmaker between Shelob and Aragog.

67. You are not allowed to send the following note: "Dear Dursleys, Is there any real reason why you should be afraid of someone wielding a pink umbrella? I suppose maybe a tiny bit, after he makes your son grow a piggy tail, but _still_..."

68. You are not allowed to gift-wrap the giant squid and send it to Davy Jones as a replacement for the Kraken.

69. You may not tell the Cullens that unicorn blood tastes better than human blood.

70. You may not hand Crabbe and Goyle ten foot tall metal lacrosse sticks and put them on top of the Astronomy tower during a thunderstorm.

71. You are not allowed to poke Tonks and Lupin's son to see if his hair changes color in that time frame.

72. You are not allowed to keep your pet Hungarian Horntail on the roof of Hogwarts.

73. You are not allowed to send Hagrid a large shipment of dragon eggs for Christmas.

74. You may not wear all the house badges and scarves at once and go around confusing people as to what house you're in.

75. You are not allowed to replace Nagini with a stuffed snake from the Rainforest Cafe.

76. You are not allowed to present "Snake Surprise" (stuffed with live eels) to Voldemort, especially if you steal Nagini first. (ah how i love the second Indiana jones..)

77. Presenting Voldemort with his life timer will not amuse him.

78. Taking Death to meet Voldemort may give Voldy a heart attack.

79. You may not give Voldemort a squeaky pink flying tricycle for his birthday. (sorry sort of inside joke there...had to put it in for my friends)

80. You may not stage a battle between nine Hungarian Horntails and the Nazgul to see who wins.


	5. PART FIVE

81. You may not get Parvati Patil to perform her Reductor Spell on Gilderoy Lockhart.

82. You may not introduce Nagini to Indiana Jones.

83. You may not shove Mrs. Norris into the Room of Requirement.

84. Challenging Ron to a slug-eating contest is just mean.

85. You may not tell innocent first years that Professor Slughorn is an un-registered Animagus who transforms into a horned slug.

86. You may not give Dudley a massive package of only the orange halves of Fred and George's Skiving Snackboxes for his birthday.

87. Lucius Malfoy does not employ a demon butler named Sebastian, nor should you go around telling people that he does.

88. Do not introduce Voldemort to Grelle and his chainsaw.

89. You may not start sending Percy anonymous Howlers.

90. You may not tell the first years that the three-headed dog Fluffy demands a sacrifice every full moon.

91. You may not throw burning Yule Logs into the crowd at the Yule Ball.

92. Blackmailing Sirius Black will not amuse him.

93. You may not dress up Professor Snape in Neville's grandmother's clothes.

94. You are not allowed to tell Professor Umbridge that the centaurs are taking up permanent residence in her office.

95. Covering Professor McGonagall's office in lace doilies and pictures of kittens will not amuse her.

96. You may not dig up an extremely old wand and go around telling people that you have the Elderly Wand.

97. You are not allowed to encourage Sir Cadogan by pulling out a sword and challenging him to a duel.

98. You may not give Voldemort a My Little Binky set for Christmas.

99. You may not tell Voldemort that he is trapped inside a book and therefore doesn't exist.

100. You may not hatch a plan to perform all of the aforementioned rules at the same time.


End file.
